Interconnectedness Pt.2: Building Your Web

III. The Webbing

This is part two, and if you missed last week's post, please click here!

I want to start off this post by saying these two-part blog posts have actually been the hardest for me to post, and when hitting the share button on each form of social media, especially Instagram, a jolt of fear ran through my body, causing little stings in the heart and one too many anxiety-ridden thoughts to even keep track of.

I write a lot about friendships, and maybe that is my specific niche because friendships are what have made me the person I am today; my friends, past and present, have saved me in so many ways. From my giant friend group in high school, my college friends, my newer friendships in Los Angeles, and my friends whom I consider family, all of them have impacted me so much that I want to write about them and share my experiences.

But I don’t want the world to think I’m bitter about love and romantic relationships. I am writing what I know, and I’m so grateful to be living in this world where what I feel the most confident in are my friendships.

But anyway, let's answer the question: How do I crack the code of finding these 'ideal' friendships?

The formula of successful friendships comes from the little tiny creatures we fear so much. Spiders!

Our fear of them has blinded us from seeing all of their secrets. Honestly, kind of genius. I know they are scary; don’t get me wrong, I still get that gag reaction when I stare are them for a long period of time, and doing research on them involved a lot of walking away.

The lessons from these creatures are their webs.

So let’s lay down some facts about these ugly brilliant creatures.

• Spiders start their web by letting out a strand of silk to be carried by air currents to a point attachment.

• A spider lays down a set of lines radiating from a hub; next, a wide spiral scaffolding holds those radial lines in place, and the spider moves inward using the sticky silk.

• Each spider and their web vary greatly and have an unmistakable signature of its maker.

• Webs can take what seems like infinite hours, but they are a species with great patience.

• Many spiders build a new web every single day. Or Some spiders build new webs every day. Other spiders repair their damaged webs.

• Spiders can produce different types of silk, and they can control which comes out depending on the purpose.

• Spider silk has what humans believe to be magical properties. It's more flexible than nylon and stronger than steel.

(All information was found here and here)

I found some of these facts about spiders just extremely interesting. I listed them out so we can just be in awe, finding the beauty in our fears. The bolded bullet point is where I will make the connections.

Each individual spider has their own web and even their own trademark. Similar to them, we as individuals are all different. So when we look at all of our friendships, they are too. Take a moment to think of those friends closest to you and analyze the differences.

Imagine This:

I want you to visualize yourself as a spider (and I’m sorry if you have arachnophobia, but try your hardest). Be creative. Picture your size, colors, and eyes.

I like to imagine myself as a black spider with striking pink in a sporadic pattern, similar to a tabby cat. I imagine myself with two little fangs with legs that have that bright pink stemming all the way down. It’s cute when you add pretty colors and words like fuzzy; less of a gag.

Now that you have your spider self, you will need your web. Each spider produces its own web, but in this case, our webs are our friendships. Each string is a friendship in your life. Please note, when I state friendships, it doesn't mean that these friendships can’t include family or your partner. Take away the other emotions and fully focus on the relationship of friendship within the predominant relationship of family, romance, etc. You can design this web any way you want.

Here is my web and spider below:

I kept my eight best friends in the inside circle as they are the ones closest to me, and the center is where you, as a spider, lie in the hub. The other strings are other important friendships in my life that play a big part in my day-to-day life.

Keep in mind the silk spiders produce keeps them alive in many ways; webs are important not just for their use of catching food. They have many purposes, especially depending on the species. Without webs and their silk, most species of spiders wouldn’t be alive for as long as they have been, which has been long before the dinosaurs. A spider's life arguably relies on its silk-producing skills. These webs, which can be made daily or repaired, are made with care and patience by the spider.

Also, consider the evolution of their silk-making abilities; spider webs are compared to steel and nylon, and I imagine the intelligent species have developed their silk skills in many ways, considering they have been on the planet for more than 300 million years. Their reason for existence is due to their adaptability, the constant tending of their skills per changing environment, as well as their production of webs. Spiders are known to be one of the most adaptable species to exist on the planet.

We as a species are also known to be quite adaptable, and I’d argue that our skills have developed from the ability to learn from each other. You know what they say, monkey see, monkey do! But who do we learn from the most?

The strangers on the street who we pass by, the people in our lives for a brief amount of time? Or the people who we respect and choose to spend most of our time with? We have the unique ability to create and develop friendships which ultimately take a huge aspect of our lives. One of our main purposes of living is our friendships. Cheesy, sorry, but I stand by this wholeheartedly. It is one of the greatest parts of our existence, yet over time we have forgotten the importance of these relationships– even though they occupy the same amount of time as a romantic relationship, if not more– and why we should treasure them. In our society, partner romance is the love that we choose to focus on. It is the main goal.

“As much as romantic love is important, don’t make the mistake to devalue all the other relationships in your life”

- Jay Shetty

Jay Shetty is the best person, in my opinion, when it comes to the importance of the different kinds of love.

Let’s go back to your web. Each person is their own string, and it holds importance. You, in spider form, are the center hub. You can have as many strings in your web as you want; friendships are, again, the beauty of life. Keep in mind each string in your web holds significance, and each needs to be cared for. Friendships are complicated, it is not black or white, and there are many questions that can be asked. For example, what happens when you no longer have a person in your life? What happens to your web? That string is now gone leaving a gap? What happens when you have too many friends, and you can’t focus on all of the relationships– and you are spread too thin, and all the strings need repair at the same time? What about when you act selfishly and don’t ever leave your hub? And if you don’t have enough of them, you don’t have a web, and I encourage you to go out and build yours!

All of these scenarios would leave your web incomplete. Spiders work on their web until it is fully complete; they just don’t stop halfway or leave one piece of string missing. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t have lasted centuries, having thousands of species and being known for their versatility.

However many strings are in your life, making your own trademark web, you need to mend each individual string. You need to focus on your web by maintaining each friendship. The more time you put into your friendships and caring for them as you care for romantic relationships– will open new opportunities to grow as a person and become versatile.

You fight with your friends, you have hiccups, and you are people changing continuously through life. So that string will sometimes need repairing. That does not mean you don’t mend the string when it needs it.

“It’s not uncommon to have a friend or family member whom you consider to be difficult or toxic…If you find yourself in a situation like this, it can be easy to turn from loving thoughts to negative, hurtful, hateful thoughts…Meet people with love even when they don’t meet you with love…Don’t compromise your values, and don’t accept abuse, but stretch your capacity to give love”

– Jay Shetty, 8 Rules of Love (pg 253)

Or if that string is one that no longer needs to be a part of your web, then you rework your web! If you have one string fall apart and you don’t fix it, leaving a gap, you become vulnerable; we tend to focus too long on why we now have that gap, usually due to anger or sadness, and thus we let our other friendship strings become weak. A half-string, a half-assed friendship, doesn’t make you stronger in any way– you aren’t taking the time to learn from these friendships.

Strong webs are because of maintained clean and neat lines connecting to the center. If your friendships are messy, or if you yourself are in a messy place, then your web is messy, and you don’t have a hub, and your web will look like this:

Does this look like a well-functioning healthy web?

No, no, it does not. You, in your spider form, would not thrive. When we look at our webs and these friendships, there should be confidence, a sense of euphoria, and comfortability. Spiders have survived for centuries by caring for their web-making abilities, and although we may not produce our own silky webs, we can create our own strong homes from those we consider closest to us. You know what they say, home isn’t a place but the people who are in it.

I can confidently say my friends all have their own friendship webs that are consistently mended. They are my home and always will be. Every time I thought about who I wanted to be and how I wanted to become better by either achieving my goals or tending to my virtues and values, I looked toward my friends. It is important to note that we all do; we all look at others to seek answers for ourselves. Those around us inspire us. And those on your web, the ones closest to you, need to be people you take inspiration from. They need to be not only people who you care about but also people who you want to desire love.

Although our desires have been set to romantic love, we need to start prioritizing and shining the light on love from friendships. Our friends are whom we take our closest inspiration from, who we allow to heal us, whom we show our growth to, and who we connect with on many levels. So yes, keep your favorite love story in your back pocket, be in search of your soulmate, and enjoy the presence of any and all love stories. Love is always a gift. But love like a spider and find who makes up your web, tend to your web, and thrive.

My Favorite Representations of Friendship Loves:

Barbara and Melissa in Abbott Elementary

Wonder by R. J. Palacio

“Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terell

Broad City

Avatar the Last Airbender

Lilo & Stitch

"You've Got a Friend in Me," by Randy Newman

Girls Trip

Drew Berrymore and Adam Sandler

“Wannabe” by the Spice Girls

Good Will Hunting

How I Met Your Mother

My Neighbor Totoro

Leslie and Ann in Parks and Rec

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