The secret of Friendship: THE HOLDING HAND THEORY

I. Navigating Friendship Breakups

I don’t know what to do with it…with all the love I have for her. I don’t know where to put it now

-Fleabag

Fleabag, written by Phoebe Waller-Bridge, has garnered significant attention. If you haven't watched it, it's a must-see; the show appeals to the audience on multiple fronts, including humor, honesty, and various forms of love. Fleabag's character engages in numerous relationships throughout the series, not just romantic ones, where her quirky and bold personality shines through. The quote mentioned above was one of the rare moments during the show where we witness a vulnerable side of her, empty of her usual wit: a scene at her mother's funeral where she finally breaks down, offering insight into why she behaves the way she does and the origins of her humor.

That said, I appreciate our daily escapes and distractions, be it through books, movies, music, or TV shows. However, I find it even more compelling when they compel us to confront our own realities, a realistic scene that strikes an emotional chord, serving as a sign to address what we keep pushing aside. Fleabag is yet another TV show, just another form of entertainment among countless others. Yet, it resonates with us in a way that touches upon the complexities of life. That goddamn moment when something hits a nerve, an emotion, and a moment you cannot avoid. In terms of this particular episode, it leaves us contemplating the theme of grief.

What do we do with the love for someone when they leave our lives?

Reflecting on Fleabag's emotional moment and the complexities of life brings us to another thought: why do we meet the people we do? It's a question I've pondered countless times for various reasons. My significant takeaway? Well, we encounter people to showcase life. Groundbreaking, I know. But to delve a bit deeper, we meet people so they can demonstrate how to have fun, kindle desire, and quiet our inner monsters. Sometimes, we even clash with people to bring our monsters to light. We experience individuals who reveal the worst versions of ourselves, showing us our anger, jealousy, and sadness. Thus, we meet people to live genuinely. Obvious again, I know. I'm getting there, but we must reiterate the obvious because many forget the most straightforward ideas. So, let's return to basics.

From the moment we are born, we have someone. Regardless of blood relations, there is always someone. If you are reading this today, it's because of people. As a species, from the very start, we are given a hand to hold, both metaphorically and, yes, physically.

Let's consider that you have blood-related family members in your life from the moment of your birth. No matter what occurs later in life, you have individuals who guide you through those early stages. Presuming you have a mom, dad, or individual essentially filling that role, they are the first people to show you how to walk and talk, pick you up when you fall, and, of course, shower you with love. They are your first-hand holders.

We have someone teaching us the fundamentals, which inevitably means they are holding our hand. But who really cares, right?

I mean, sure, I don't care about our first-hand holder. It's endearing to watch the monkeys in our animal documentaries learn to jump from tree to tree, and yes, it's also adorable when we take our first steps. However, there are two main entities here for hand-holding that truly matter to me.

I. We Are ALL Hand-Holders

First, we tend to forget that life is essentially a series of hand-holding. Throughout our lives, we encounter not just five or ten but possibly hundreds or thousands of hands.

While the adorable primates in documentaries often remain within their own communities for their entire lives, holding the same hands with the occasional addition of newborns, we have the privilege of meeting strangers daily (and yes, this is indeed a privilege).

With their hands, these strangers show up in our lives and offer us the little moments that define living. They are the people who guide us each day, individuals whose full names we may not know but who make our duties slightly less hectic for a few moments. It could be the stranger helping you find items on your grocery list, the coworker who answers your occasional questions, or even the passerby who greets you with a good morning. These simple acts demonstrate various forms of love every single day. The kindness, the hand-holding, is there if you take a moment to notice and appreciate it. Observing the first-hand holders reminds us that, as a society, we all strive for enjoyable days, a willingness to assist one another, and a collective pursuit of happiness.

II. Sweaty Hands

The second-hand-holders are the ones who hold on for an extended time; these hands shape who we are. They encompass the best friends, romantic loves, and family members (who guide us through life's initial stages and beyond). These individuals show us how to experience new perspectives and provide us with a fresh lens through which to see. They are the hands we hold that bring the intensity and thrills of life, evoking emotions beyond the elementary: happiness, sadness, and anger.

Think back to your first friend and envision a vivid memory you share with them.

My first friend had the prettiest strawberry-blonde hair and striking blue eyes, eyes I will never forget. We met around the age of three by being neighbors. My fondest memories of innocence were exploring the depths of our cul-de-sac together. We had two pine trees on the side of my house with thick branches, perfect for climbing. She always climbed to the top, and I had anxiety from the fear of falling, but she never indicated any distress. These trees became a safe space for us, where we put our rock collections, ate lunch, and dove into worlds unknown to others. One of my favorite adventures was when we threw the pinecones as bombs, pretending the two giant connecting trees were a colossal pirate ship. I always admired how brave she was, as a pirate and in life.

I think that’s why our game of pirates stuck with me. We were so young, learning the ropes of life, trying to break free from the dependence of our family members, and embracing some new made-up journey for the day.

Our first friend, like everyone else we meet, is more important than we think, even if that friend showed you monkey bars, shared a snack with you, or gave you a hug. Those all seem so simple, so cute; we don’t care to interpret the value of those first interactions of kindness. Many memories with my first friend were delightful and bothersome, but with time, many of those memories faded. But she was the first person outside my family whose hand interlocked with mine. Although I won’t remember every striking conversation I had with her from the ripe age of three, I’ll never forget her courage.

It may seem clichéd and cheesy for courage to be the primary lesson from my initial friendship. The notion of a nostalgic montage featuring two young girls playing, climbing trees, and discovering bravery as a way to escape the challenges in our families sounds almost too quaint. In essence, I offered a somewhat half-hearted Midwestern rendition of A24’s film 'The Florida Project.'

But yes, we had shit going on at home! We were the youngest in our families, and at the time, we may not have been aware of all the issues, some arising from not cleaning up, but we needed each other. She was the first person outside of my family who held my hand, showing me how her mind plays, creates, and works in this world we are both living in.

I don’t need to babble on and tell you how amazing it is to have a best friend, family, or partner; that is natural. No matter who you are or how much of a loner you think you may be, there is or has been someone. Don’t try to play that card. Forming relationships is one of the most clear concepts of human nature that doesn't need explanation. Shy, introverted, loner, or not, you have some relationship formation. Don't try to complicate the simplicity there; it should bring comfort whether you have many people or minimal.

However, the unnatural aspect of relationships is the complications that come after the relationship is not formed, but when the hands are grasped tight to each other, fingers interlocked, and the memories have multiplied to an amount that takes up a lot of brain storage. The problems arise when the other hand ends the friendship, breaks your heart, or passes away when one of those hands starts to slip away from the grasp. You were holding someone's hand through moments of time, and from doing so, you have created an attachment to them. Memories formed, and you became a bonded pair.

Gradually, one begins to release the firm hold from the entanglement of metaphorically locked fingers, prompting the other to start questioning. It might not be a leisurely unraveling but rather a swift, abrupt separation. Regardless, one hand disengages from the other. Let's first delve into the gradual unraveling: the endings of romantic or platonic relationships. Ghosting has become a prevalent societal norm, and the slow dissolution may involve both parties silently ceasing to reach out. We've all encountered the challenge of slowly letting go in various ways. These situations pose a unique difficulty as the initial questioning often turns inward.

Was I making it more than what it was?

Was I delusional? / Did I exaggerate?

Did they not like me? / What did I do wrong?

Why did I stop talking to them?

No, no, no, couldn’t be it- you know yourself. So then, what’s next? Well, you question the other hand.

Were they…being fake? / A liar?

Did they mean anything they did? / A psycho?

What were their intentions from the beginning?

Mommy or daddy issues?

The mind takes sharp turns, going back around the same corners, making full loops over and over again. However, you want to see it. Many of us have this issue, having our thoughts spiral and not being able to take control until we are exhausted for the night and collapse, night after night. Those evenings after another drops our hand often feel the loneliest, and we feel the need to blame. They don't get easier until we are ready to accept the outcome and the genuine emotions that come with it.

We try to grip the other’s hand when it starts to slip away—it is like a fighting response of the body and mind. Don’t ever let go of something that makes you happy, right? (Unless, perhaps, you watched Old Yeller at too young of an age). Once a hand has let go, you now have a hole in your life, a hole we begin to fill with a voice, your pessimistic voice, telling you how you are broken, you don’t want to trust again, or convincing yourself to be who you are not. The range of emotions that can be experienced during the grieving process and the various ways they can intersect and blend is extensive. Not just sad or mad but betrayed, disgruntled, anguished, and sorrowful.

And that is not you; you are not defined by those powerful emotional moments in time unless you let them consume you entirely. It’s okay to feel what you are feeling when a hand you were holding lets go, and you were not ready for it.

Acknowledging and allowing these feelings is one piece. Just note that there needs to be an extent to which we do so. Be wary of the power of these emotions and how easily they can take control. When grieving, especially when the person is not dead but no longer in your life, it is essential also to hold yourself accountable. You can feel lost, furious, heartbroken, or whatever you need to feel, but you can’t let them consume you for too long. You have to know you will bounce back by understanding some hard truths. Not every single person you encounter will remain in your life forever, even if, at the time, that person is who you loved the most. To some extent, we have to be okay with the idea that it is okay for people to be here only temporarily.

We experience people and entangle our hands to guide us through a moment in time, guide us to new beginnings, hold when scared or lost, and let go when ready—a hand to hold for the time being but not forever. We label ourselves as friends, best friends, family, or lovers—titles that encapsulate the shared history within a relationship. However, in moments of distress, marked by tears, anger, rage, or disgust emanating from the other person, it's essential to detach from your emotions. Attempt to perceive this evolving dynamic through the lens of a new title within that specific relationship. At one point, you served as each other's guides, offering a supportive hand to navigate whatever challenges arose collectively.

That best friend who slowly stopped replying, and you don’t know why. Your once partner in crime who cheated on you. The random stranger who helped you find your way. The life partner whom you started drifting away from, becoming a stranger.

We are all our own beings who, in a moment, decide to hold on to each other, whether for a few seconds, days, months, or years. There are so many emotions being felt at every given moment with every individual we get to immerse in our lives. We form a certain attachment. These attachments, with time, grow strong, and the stronger those feelings become, the harder it is to let go. But there is beauty in it; you had the beautiful experience of having that person for moments when you needed someone.

You are never alone; you may feel like you are, but we have our own guides all around us. We as people need each other and latch onto each other through moments of time every single day. If you feel alone, go outside, take a walk, help a stranger, say hi, start volunteering, say yes to the plans, and take time to visualize yourself holding their hand because you are. You are entangled together through a moment where you were both present and gifted to each other. See them and see yourself as a guide.

Regardless of the emotions—anger, desire, heartache, or overwhelming love—acknowledge that you were gifted with a guide. Your guide might not be perfect, but they don't have to stay in your life forever. As you navigate this journey, filled with life's challenges, love, and triumphs, remember that it's about you. While guides are crucial in helping and supporting you, the journey is uniquely yours. In response to Fleabag's question, channel that love into yourself.

Be thankful for all the hands you hold.

Just don't forget to hold your own.

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