Are You Nice or Kind?
- McKenna Cupidro
- May 10, 2023
- 6 min read
Updated: Jul 31, 2023
I. You're like SO nice
Act nice, look nice, play nice.
Be nice.
One of the first societal rules we learn is niceness; it is Preschool 101. Our parents and teachers make it a tremendous focus to be nice to others even when they are not. “Always be the better person” is the statement following “act nice.” When heading to the park or meeting a friend, “playing nice” is the casual yell from an adult. Going to any event, we must always look nice; appearances matter. We are told in every way possible to be nice.
So as we grow older, plenty of people praise themselves, fill their ego balloons, and assure everyone that they encounter they are nice. There is always that one person in the room who needs to go out of their way to do nice acts for others to prove they are. They have the most friends, are forever running around, and are never chill. Truthfully, sometimes they are the scariest person in the room. Those people do some outstanding accomplishments for the people they love or for something they are passionate about. They are just a lot. But I don’t blame those people for shoving their niceness in everyone's faces. Being the friendly one was instructed. Being nice is better; it will give you good karma, and everyone likes that person in the room. You know what they say: good people don't deserve bad things.
Act nice, look nice, play nice. Be nice.
Not only is it what the adults preach, but also, as children, the word nice is shoved into our literature and entertainment. Ergo, for many of us, not just that one extremely nice person, we begin playing the role of the nice one. We put on a smile, do things we don’t want to, or act a certain way toward people because we were prepared to do that. Repetition matters; it is hard not to master what’s before you. So enters the facade of the nice girl or nice boy. And we do precisely that.
The Oxford definition of nice:
Nice:
pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory
fine or subtle
The facade of the nice person act isn’t a mask at all. It’s entirely true; they are a replica of the definition. They are merely pleasant, and people do like them. They are agreeable, often known for their excessive yes behavior, and always down for anything-attitude. And they are fine; they watch their behaviors and know what to say and when.
Nice people act nice, look nice, and play nice. I don’t want to sit here and consider these people fake when they aren’t.
For a good reason, the word nice holds similarities to easy, basic, and casual. They don’t extend beyond a certain point. And if you have that nice friend or know that person, or maybe you are the nice one, understand that being nice isn’t wrong. Sometimes we need a nice person, or at specific points in our lives, all we can do is be nice. There is nothing else to that story; nice is accessible and essential, and sometimes easy is necessary.
II. Kind, Kinda Better?
The pairing to nice is kind. You are told to be kind if you aren’t taught to be nice. You might think that similar to the word nice, I'm going to go all in on the word dismissing it; expressing the mere simplicity of the word isn’t enough. But to your surprise, I love the word kind, and I love those who are.
The Oxford definition of kind:
Kind:
having or showing a friendly, generous, and considerate nature.
affectionate or loving.
We often hear common phrases like “Kind souls and small acts of kindness make a great impact” or see quotes like “In a world where you can be anything, be kind.” I couldn’t agree more—those who are nice vs. those who are kind exhibit immense differences. I previously mentioned that being nice is sometimes all we can or want to do, and that’s okay.
There are many similarities between those who are nice and those who are kind. Both types of people will often consider strangers and provide small gestures like sharing greetings, donating, or holding the door open because they want the people around them to feel seen. For those who are closer to the nice and kind people, those small gestures are either more frequent or on a larger scale. Nonetheless, kind and nice people ensure people around them are noticed. A crucial difference between being kind and nice is time and thought.
Many people won’t leap from being nice to being kind. Kindness has a connection to effort, and effort, for many, can only exceed so far. If you like to be nice to a room full of people, then you often aren’t considered kind because you are spread too thin. The effort requires time and thought, and if you have to make sure a room full of people feels seen by you or for you to feel seen by them, then there is not enough time for thoughtful effort. Whereas the kind person will stick to a smaller group of people, allowing themselves the freedom to understand those people with better concrete detail and understanding them to the degree that crosses the arbitrary ‘nice’ line. The nice friend checks up on everyone and anyone, whizzing around all over the place, whereas the kind friend checks up on the people who aren’t acting themselves.
Both show a degree of caring, but one holds a more profound connection, whereas the other triumphs in quantity. Existing as nice is fine; if you are nice, you should be proud that you aren’t an asshole. Unfortunately, in the room scenario, with the nice and kind ones, there are also the asses.
I want to remark that being considered kind does not conclude with the idea that you shouldn’t hold your ground. It’s easy to believe that kind people aren’t the individuals who stand up for themselves, let alone others, and those who don’t hold the assholes of the world accountable. There is a misconception that those who are kind are also people-pleasers. They must be robots, manufactured to walk around forever smiling, bringing exemplary deeds, and being immaculate loved ones. People want to believe those who are kind are not flawed.
The perfect example of this is the TikTok influencer Drew Afualo. She got her following status by what some may say (men) as being a bitch, others will say by being a bully, and the rest will speak for being the brave knight in shining armor. Drew uses men’s rhetoric against them, and therefore some may argue that she is also contributing to online bullying, so she is not kind.
I’d argue that she is a perfect example of kindness. She posts on her social media that she isn’t trying to be nice, and she isn’t; I agree. Being nice is being a bystander, which many women are accustomed to doing, and she decided enough was enough. Every post she creates calls out the habitual behaviors of men, which takes incredible bravery and pure-hearted kindness.
If you are arguing that she isn’t someone who is acting with bravery, pureness, and kindness, then you are choosing to be blind to the ass-ery of the patriarchy. So many people, women, and other minority group members have been playing the role of the nice ones. Niceness has been mastered by many to protect against fragility. In other words, being nice to the bully will make them stop.
Drew has stepped away from being friendly towards the intimidators and changed direction into being kind to those bullied. She is quite literally taking one for the team, revealing to the world how many people are still not, even in the simplest form, nice.
Niceness vs. Kindness – both needed in the world. From small to large gestures, from quantity to quality, both have relations to benevolence and are more useful than malicious intent. Yet I want those who are capable of striving to be kind, and although you should invariably be nice, to take the subsequent steps into it. Kindness is birthed from nurture, which raises promising connections that define healthy relationships. Those who are kind, like Drew, act as warriors in this world as they are bold healers. To know who is strained, immoral, and needs engagement at the right moment. Kindness is an efforted skill that is developed through time and thought. And it is more of what the world needs. Being nice is adequate, but being kind allows for transformations. Kindness involves consideration, and consideration is compassion, and compassion takes the form of love.
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