Comparison: she’s the devil

I. To be a chameleon in this world

I had the ability to learn people’s personalities quickly and change to be relatable so I could comfort both of us. Mostly, I see this as a gift; I love listening to and understanding people, from their humor and style to their deeper, most vulnerable forms.

Yet there have been and will always be moments when I feel like I never excelled at anything besides being a people-pleaser!

My younger self was good at most school subjects but never gifted in anything. Growing up, I was never bad at the sports I tried, but never great (always b team). In the arts, I was always fascinated and enjoyed learning, but never could quite grasp the pencil, brush, or crayon as well as others.

I always felt like I was a funny person, but then also, at times, too sensitive and very serious. I pretended to be cool and relaxed about everything, although I never was about anything. Basically, to put it simply, I have never felt the passion, drive, or natural attention to do or be anything for too long.

Everything would always fizzle out, moving on to the next, and all that was left was the shame caused by comparison. Comparison has always been a gentle killer, a tribute to the mind that will never allow the ego to flourish fully.

It is not a new act for mankind. No, it is an action that has always been there, provoking unwanted emotions.

We, as a species from the beginning of time always looked to see who had the bigger fire, the better land, the extravagant food, the bigger house, who had multiple homes, the fancier car, the new iPhone, the fancier clothes, the beautiful face, the most prospects, the natural talent, the more money, and that just one super happy mother f*cker leaving us thinking 'Why the hell not me?'

It is the bubbling activity of controlling thoughts, buried away in the pit of our guts and the back of our minds that we must learn how to shove away, control, and never say hi to. Yet still, we all allow it to surface occasionally as we see those around us have something we don’t or can’t.

I can't help it either; dreaming and desiring are actions that are part of us all. However, I can’t help but think about how this, too, is maximized by the internet and our online presence, as well as the growth of the human population. It is a gesture that is so hard not to let happen with the growing number of people on the planet.

It’s easy to argue that if you don’t go on the Internet or go on less, then that comparison beast in us would come out less, and yes, that is true; I find myself comparing significantly less when my online presence is infrequent.

But the internet is our biggest resource. It’s never going away, and one year of being Instagram-free is great, but there are still hundreds to thousands of people we see in a year's time. If you take the city of Los Angeles, for example, the population size in 1970 was 2.81 million. In 2022, the population size was estimated to be about 3.85 million—a million more people that you could encounter, befriend, and compare to.

Comparison will rise.

So, do we hide it? Accept it? Do we pretend we are perfect, happy people who don’t care what anyone else has? Or perhaps we should learn about the emotion itself and take it daily, trying to, like ego, put it on one of our tipping scales and find balance?

II. A Quick Definition: Comparison

There are many definitions of Comparison, but Brené Brown describes it best in her book Atlas Of The Heart.

"Comparison is the crush of conformity from one side and competition from the other—it’s trying to simultaneously fit in and stand out."

- Brené Brown

Her definition takes in the social component of comparing and how it is an action that arises within our relationships or social surroundings partially due to self-worth. Taking the definition further than Oxford Languages or Marriem-Webster. She then explains the main element of comparison, which is that bubbling pit of doubt that tells us we need to be better. How cannot having self-awareness allow actions to harm ourselves or others, all to achieve the status of 'better'?

So, how does one become self-aware and control the compulsion to compare?

III. Okay, And Now What?

Understanding the definition of the word isn't going to make you stop, and truthfully, nothing will ever fully stop the thoughts from emerging from time to time. Although learning the definition is the crucial first step in the process, as understanding comparison initially enables you to identify its opposite. Knowing your balance of the word will help ease the thoughts when causing self-effacing troubles.

I don't have an exact answer to what the opposite of comparison is. But when I put it on a balanced scale, the other side, for me, is belief. Believing that I can get what I want if it is truly something I want to put my time or money in. It's okay to dream and desire, to look at people who have done or have what you want. We get what we believe; it's where we put our time and energy that matters.

Some may call that manifestation, and others might say it is grit. Either way, the mind is a powerful tool that can be pushed by comparison in a healthy way so one can achieve their goals. Mel Robbins, in her podcast, uses Olympic athletes as an example. She also takes from this research here, and uses it to demonstrate the idea of how one can use manifesting and comparison, to make progress :

"...mental simulation of the process for reaching a goal or of the dynamics of an unfolding stressful event produced progress in achieving those goals or resolving those events"

- Taylor S.E.

Balancing comparison with belief allows you to see inspiration and put time and energy into getting what you want. Not just sitting in a dark place with too many thoughts and blaming others for having the things you don't have.

My balance to comparison is belief, but for you, it could be self-acceptance, contentment, or individuality. Whatever it is, you need to ensure that you are finding ways of easing the intense emotions that comparison raises, like inadequacy, jealousy, or competition.

Finding your personal balance, whether through belief, self-acceptance, contentment, or individuality, is the key to navigating the complex terrain of comparison and embracing a more fulfilling and self-affirming journey that achieves goals and resolves stressful events.

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