SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS

Sit back and think about a time when you were distraught; swallowed by anxiety, sadness, or fear. Many of us tend to sit with our feelings alone– but don’t think about one of those moments. I want you to remember that instant when you were so shattered and beaten down by something in your life that you made the vulnerability leap.

Let the feelings from memory sink in. Don’t modestly envision the memory but passionately feel what happened. Remember when you swallowed your ego, let out that big sigh, and opened up? You revealed yourself, whether it was a friend, relative, or teacher. A part of yourself that frightens you.

It was most likely releasing; you felt comforted and cared for. Your monster shrunk in size and power. You liked it. Realizing how much happier you felt, you didn’t have to deal with the bullshit in your mind. Someone else wasn’t scared of what you were so fearful of. No monstrous moments from this, only release.

It most likely gave you the courage to do it again. It was helpful, and you felt the weight from your chest dissipate. Talking about what bothers you to someone else truly clears the mind. I mean, finally, someone cared about you and gave you the words you needed to hear. So instinctively, you do it again. Instead of letting that monster kick your ass, you decide to bite first and reach out again. The power is to you!

But this time, oh…well, this time went entirely differently. They gave you the sunshine and rainbows response. The Google search “positive quotes to say when your friend is sad” outcome was presented to you. So then you're sitting there, kind of nodding your head, eyes half squinted, held tilted oh so slightly, and find yourself giving the generic responses back.

Yes, I am not walking this path alone.

You’re right. It is only temporary.

Yes, I know help is available.

Then BAM, they give you that slap on the arm, the half hug, and those oh-so-endearing pitty eyes routinely followed by a glad we talked comment. You’re left confused. Not purely disjointed but a little pissed off, combined with this feeling of regret.

I found that when someone, especially someone close to me, gave me the Elmo equivalent of advice, I was left feeling dumb and infuriated. The glad we talked pity comments would throw me into an internal battle asking myself questions like, did I just let them see that side of me? Or wondering how their opinion of me was going to change. Disappointment in myself would arise; I didn’t want to appear weak or that I was giving up, and I didn’t want to suggest that I was this three-year-old who needed Elmo's advice.

Look, I know many of us have done some secret Google searches looking for advice when we are feeling quite shit. I mean, really, who hasn’t looked up “positive mantras” to feel better? To find yourself going straight to the images button only to find Disney and Gandhi quotes in bubbly typography and pastel backgrounds.

“Don't just fly, soar." - Dumbo

“It’s not what you cannot do, but what you CAN DO” on any Pinterest board.

“I am in CHARGE of my LIFE.” is my personal favorite.

Heck, a positive quotes search probably would have saved you a few minutes and that feeling of shame. After the sunshine and rainbow response (given by someone you most likely care about), you’re not so confident. The fear of opening up those gates has resurfaced. Anew, you’re weary about vulnerability, and the hesitation towards people is back. Your monster laughed at your bite and took back control.

When our monsters are back steering our minds, we are left with that twisted gut. That's commonly when we have a moment where we don’t act like our true selves. Instead, we react and soon after project onto another.

Now, you're portrayed as that bitchy person who gave them a dirty look at the store, the mean one who is constantly in a bad mood, or you made a key memory from someone close to you, as you deeply upset them.

After the reaction, and also the projection, that is when we often search for hopefulness and compelling outlooks to make us feel like we are not alone, cruel, or undeserving. And typically, that leads us down the rabbit hole of self-help optimism. Forcing quick change and effortless solutions to calm oneself and those outbursts. Often referred to as positive toxicity.

And yes, positivity helps; we all need the video montage with the mountains in the background cutting to clips of Oprah saying she didn’t make it until she was fired at 23 and Muhammad Ali yelling, “I’ll show you how great I am” every once in a blue moon.

Dream- Motivation Video by Mateusz M.

I swore by this video in high school. I put it on full blast in the car before soccer games. My poor mother. I was fourteen and desperate for motivation.

They are great and very inspiring. Sometimes we need a scenic poster with a reflection word centered and bolded with an inspirational quote hovering at the bottom (You know exactly what posters I'm referring to). Having said that, after time, I would argue walking into a room and looking at that poster every day...well, it gets old fast.

Or, if you don't go the cheesy motivational route, many take a fast plummet into research; which is often overwhelming. Doctors spend years of research into one mere divot of the self-development corner, and learning about all of the information and data can be difficult to read when you aren’t ready. The reality of research is that it often takes time to fully understand, accept, and then accomplish.

I do love the reassuring words and bouquets of love given with easy tips on the self-help shelf. I also love looking at research, it took me getting into my early twenties to genuinely appreciate it; I felt comfort from the idea that I am not alone in my issues.

But for people like me, we also need the unvarnished truth.

The:

Well, that’s messed up…

Oh, Jesus, that sucks agreements!

And okay, here is what you need to change advice.

I understand the annoyance tied to the frustration of transforming into a different version of yourself. It’s easy to start, get overwhelmed, and eventually give up; convincing yourself there is no way you'll meet your goals or be the person you are trying to become. When you start a self-development journey, you feel so submerged with positivity that you are drowning in overly-mushy love, so much so that it feels fake.

Or you allow an excuse for your bad patterns because you established numerous people have them too. There have been numerous occasions where I have walked into the bookstore at the self-help section and thought ah fuck and asked do I need it? Merely staring at all of the books that are trying to pinpoint all the super positive ways they can fix me.

Nonetheless, I always picked one and dove straight in. My curiosity about change, opinions, and research always won.

I then spent years judging myself for liking this genre because of how cringy it can be. Even when it came from research-backed guidance; like studies on the connection between neuroscience and manifestation, a philosophy of words (etymology and fascinated by the general definitions), or books on why friendships are important.

I would repeatedly dismiss the genre as it seemed phony. It didn’t seem realistic to change from a book, and I would push it off, going back to square one. Internally convincing myself by saying I can do it myself without any help.

After a few years and then accepting the over-positive mushiness, I would try to dismiss the help I received or play off the work I put in. I would often refer to myself as some yoga-loving, self-help hippie as a joke to others to try to ease the tension I felt inside. I would try to play a cool character, like Kat Stratford in 10 Things I Hate About You. All because of the fear of judgment by others for loving the self-development department.

Now, many years later, I realized that I did enjoy the excessively positive love that came with the learnings of self-help development; I would walk to the aisles now with a fuck ya attitude.

So, I think it’s okay to laugh with sunshine and rainbow responses in the world. They aren’t entirely wrong! I mean, there is a reason Elmo is so popular; the muppet has been going for about 40 years.

The matter of fact is that many people need not exclusively cheerful sunshine or facts thrown in pages but need authenticity, different perspectives that don’t always lean on the positive path and the blunt understanding that often you are your own problem. I've realized that giving things time to grow and develop is crucial. While it's tempting to use time as an excuse for not seeing results, I've discovered that learning to ignore others' opinions and focusing on myself requires patience and perseverance. It's about having faith in yourself and staying committed.

Our monsters are scary; I understand that for some people, their inner voices can be dark, overbearing, and in control. There is no shame in recognizing you need the love of self-help development, just as there is no shame in admitting our faults. To become a better version of yourself, the kinder version, and to grow how you want to grow, you need first to realize how often you have monstrous moments, why you have them, and why you want them to stop. We need to acknowledge our thoughts and their power, then change our perspectives. Sometimes in life, we need a sign, guidance, or a nudge (or shove) in the right direction.

I am that person, and this is that blog.