Navigating Boundaries and Love: A Tale of Friendship, Communication, and Growth
- McKenna Cupidro
- Jul 19, 2023
- 8 min read
Updated: Aug 10, 2023
Too Comfy on MY Highway
Years ago, in my 38 x 80 dorm room bed, I had blankets over my entire body, scrunched in knees just inches from my chest, and the glowing white light of my phone only enough to show my sleep-deprived face and tear-filled eyes. It was a Wednesday night, and it was the first time I had set an actual boundary for myself in a relationship.
This relationship was with my best friend, not a romantic one, and I also set this boundary in my head but never actually vocalized it to her.
At that moment, the bubbling of frustration led to the final pop and fizz; my chest, throat, and mind were in a tightening grip– I felt unheard, silenced, and insane.
Nevertheless, there were wins here. For the first time, I knew I couldn’t handle something for my well-being and decided I would no longer engage. I blubbered in that excessively small bed, put that phone down, and went to sleep, and for five more years, I never lost sight of that boundary. I held my head high, and each time, my best friend would discuss that rather prominent topic that I couldn’t stand because she never listened to anyone's advice; I never gave more than a thirty percent effort.
I was proud of myself for many reasons. I held true to myself but didn’t make it a big fight. It may be because we had been attached to each other's hips for five years, so I knew a fight would only be because I wanted it.
I knew who she was and that no matter what I said, she wouldn’t change that part of herself, at least at the very young age of nineteen. So, to start that fight, the spring quarter of my freshman year of college would only have been because of issues I needed to overthrow concerning myself. Indeed, that is what being in your teens and early twenties is all about– understanding yourself.
I wanted to be heard, and I wasn’t; I would put so much effort into giving what I thought to be the most logical advice. So, I would spiral when those closest to me blatantly ignored my advice, thoughts, or opinions. How could they not listen while continuing to repeat their mistakes over and over again?
See, the greatest issue at hand was that I was entitled. I have always been on this logical set of thinking and doing, and in my head, repeatedly being whimsical in actions and thoughts was something I could not understand. My upbringing made me think reasonably about all of my decisions; it made me analytical. I had a more rebellious older sister who always seemed to turn my parents into angrier versions and an older brother with special needs requiring much of their effort. I watched, listened, and learned- analyzing carefully so I could not cause stress in my parents' lives. I strategically thought, talked, and stepped from a young age to early adulthood.
Although that helped me in many ways, it still resulted in some baby behavior when others wouldn’t do what I thought was right; when I didn’t have control, I felt unheard. And that was on no one else but myself.
At that moment, I didn’t want to be a crazy friend and start a fight over her flirty fun young actions. I knew it wasn’t worth it, so I stepped back. It was a crucial moment in my life because, after that, I declared to work on myself. I took many steps back; in fact, I took that car that was on my highway and completely jeered right, breaking through the barriers into open dirt land, driving freely.
And with time, I learned to drive on others' highways and not be afraid of what I didn’t know—instead, learning how others' roads were laid out, being cautious and respectful with how I moved.
Driving with ease!
Five years later, from that weeping dorm bed moment, and now going on ten years of friendship, she called me seeking advice for the very topic I set my first boundary. Her voice was quiet and spaced, and she knew that when she would begin speaking in detail, tears would follow. The stuttering in her voice made me realize that I never merged back on her road, the boundary I set put a concrete roadblock, and I was out in the desert of nowhere, driving recklessly to my own liking without any regard for trying to find another way to get back on her highway.
With so many other friends and even strangers, I used my analytical skills, conjoined with the years I spent in college on self-help knowledge, to do the best I could in speaking to others. To be mindful of different speaking styles, boundaries, respect for mental health and while being a normal individual/friend.
Whereas I avoided her, and I was scared to learn how to drive on her road because I believed it would lead to my immediate crash. When she called, she asked numerous times if I was able to speak at that moment and mentioned what it was about; I could visually see her tiptoeing; she knew of years of avoidance. It wasn’t until I heard and felt the pauses in her hurt voice that I knew.
I let my old fear of not being heard push me away from problems where she could’ve used her best friend to talk to. I made a boundary without vocalizing it to her, and she was left acknowledging it but always guessing. And yet she respected it.
It wasn’t until this call that it hit me that I was avoiding it for again my personal reasons. With my years of growth, I was still not giving her the consideration of speaking to her when she needed me. She is my best friend, and I used a boundary to respect myself but not her.
Setting boundaries is giving yourself the respect and love you deserve; it’s wonderful and necessary. Though when it comes to those you are setting boundaries with, they also deserve to know, especially those closest to you. If you are worried about putting the boundary because the other individual will lash out and not respect it, then maybe a boundary isn’t what's needed but the removal of the person from your life. But if they love you and you love them, you owe the open conversation to that relationship.
No matter what article, author, or source you read regarding boundaries, they will note the step of communicating it. And that is a challenging part that gets easily glossed over with the idea that the other individual will respond graciously. Typically, it's believed that the challenging part of a boundary is realizing it for yourself, but for me, that was the simplest.
My fear came from sharing it. Even though it was my best friend of years, I avoided the conversation. I was scared she would feel at fault, and it would become a battle of defense. When in fact, it was me; at the time, I was so protective of my character. We, as people, have the instinct to act in defense of our personality.
When it comes down to those who we love also stepping in and making that boundary, the immediate reaction tends to lean towards defense; we don’t want to add to the list of possible traits that are wrong about ourselves. It’s difficult to think of the relationship as a whole, and the other individual feelings, while not trying to judge yourself.
It’s not as simple as merely receiving a text from your friend, ‘Hey, I actually don’t want to talk about this anymore with you because x, y, and z.’ No, your heart races, your mind panics, and you want to stay true to yourself, defending what you know from your point of view.
But that phone call, five years later from my set boundary, I heard her voice trembling, and I knew it was time to talk. And we did, for hours. We talked about what I avoided for years, the boundary I set without telling her, why I did, and how we both were going to be mindful of each other. I gave my advice on the topic, and she listened. We both felt heard and respected by each other. As you can see, adulting with the right steps and guidance does actually have a great effect when you stop to listen, communicate, and learn.
We tend to stick on our own roads, maneuvering where we already know: my way or the highway. So when we do have to learn another person's highway, we do what we know instead of learning new ways. So road rage tends to come a little too fast! If we take the time to communicate with the people we spend so much time with, actually learning how to be a friend or partner, then the relations we have in our lives will be a hell of a lot less bumpy, and the destinations we want to reach too will be a classic road trip filled with a lot of joyous memories instead of a miserable one.
The big lesson here?
You can love someone, your best friend, partner, parent, or sibling, and you can want the best for them; I mean, isn’t that what love really is, but no matter how strong the love is for the people around you ultimately you can’t control them. You can create boundaries and express how you feel, but you can’t be upset about another person's actions because you think they should be or act differently.
We all learn at different paces, and we all go through similar life events but at different ages and stages of our lives. Breakups, moving, traveling, love, even fashion choices, and we can want something, the best, for someone, but if they aren’t ready and need to learn themselves, all you can really do is be supportive.
It’s legit the lesson from Across the Spider-Verse. Canon events for us, normal people, not Spiderman folk, are just the events in our lives that help us grow into different people with life experiences. We all go through it, and we want to help each other, but sometimes just giving our best advice, watching from a distance, and then being a supportive shoulder is the best thing we, as people who are filled with love, can do.
My best friend went through one of her canon events, and I am thankful I was there in the end to be the best friend/side character she needed. I mean, we can’t miss canon events, right?
In conclusion, embracing the power of listening, communication, and learning can have a profound impact on our relationships and overall personal growth. By stepping outside of our own roads and being open to new perspectives, we can navigate the highways of life with much less road rage and a lot more joyous memories.
Remember, while we may have deep love and care for those around us, friends and family especially, we cannot control their actions or force them to change. Instead, we can set boundaries, express our feelings, and offer support as they navigate their own journeys of growth. We can also learn to trust and honor the person with the limitations we may have set. Just like in "Across the Spider-Verse," we are all on our own unique paths, going through similar life events at different paces and stages. And sometimes, being the supportive friend or shoulder to lean on is the best thing we can do.
So, let's embrace the lessons from our own personal "canon events" and extend that love and understanding to those around us. Together, we can create a road trip filled with love, growth, and beautiful memories. Don't miss out on the opportunity to be a part of each other's journeys; let's make every moment count on this incredible road called life.
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